My First Love

I sat in the conference room across from a good friend.

Loneliness had been stealing my joy for days and he was willing to pray with me.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“ Really lonely lately I guess” I whined

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self-control. If someone is rooted in the Spirit these are evident in their
lives”

The truth behind my loneliness sunk in. Fruit has not leaked from my heart in a long time.

He quoted Rev 2:4 “Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken your first love.” and
the tears piled up in my eyes.

I have forsaken my first love. I have decided He is not enough and I want more. But was He ever my first love to begin with?

Eleven years ago I got on my knees and gave up. I surrendered my life to Him. I was tired, lonely and nothing I did improved my situation. I was not in love with Him or even grateful that He was forgiving my sins.

Through the years there have been moments of untold joy, peace beyond understanding, and provision from Him alone. But the loneliness has remained. A haunting spirit in my heart that is a barrier between Me and Him.

Was there ever a moment where I truly loved Him?

Have I adored Him just for who He is not what He has done.

Can I envision the way He adores me?

“Like and Apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.” Song of Songs 2:3-6

Over and over I have begged God for the Abundant life He promises. It has been within me all along. Abundant life can only be found where my soul dances with His Spirit. It is found in the countless hours soaking in His word, merely because I long to hear His voice. It is found in the song of my heart as praise erupts from my lips. Most importantly it is found in my unashamed adoration for who He is.

Do I wake up and go to sleep with Him on my mind, for He never leaves my thoughts?

Do I talk to Him without ceasing because I value His opinion above all others?

Do I walk in obedience because I long to never leave His side?

No I don’t.

Instead, I have chosen pain and misery over His peace and love. I have chosen food and men over self-control and faithfulness. I have chosen anger over my circumstances instead of kindness for those around me. Worse than all of that, I have refused to love myself. To look at myself through His eyes and see what He sees. Cause in the end how can I love any of His creatures if I can not love the one He loves?

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Is He? Enough?

It is amazing the difference a day can make when God is involved.

Last night as I lay in bed, these words rushed through my mind.

What if all the crap isn’t true?

What if this is all life is? Little moments, that make little impacts, that ripple through the world.

What if life isn’t an adventure; He has no path planned for my life?

What if I never have financial security, or take that trip to Bora Bora?

What if this IS the abundant life God has planned? No husband, no children, no family of my own. Just a daily struggle to make it from sleep to sleep.

What if this is all life is? Is He Enough?

Is He?

Enough?

Can He take the place of my carefully laid plans? Can I trust Him to create me a path and show me where it is?

Can I love Him enough to let Him be my husband, my children, my adventure?

That was last night.

This morning during devotion the speaker accused me of quitting (well he was talking to everyone, but I heard it straight from God)! I shrunk in disbelief, “How did He know?” About a year ago I gave up. I stopped writing, I stopped taking pictures, I stopped chasing God and I sat down. I have floated through life. My days have been lonely and miserable.

In Matthew 25:14-30 Jesus tells The Parable of the Talents. In the story there are three servants. Each servant is given a specific number of talents(money) from his master. Each man does something different with it, the last one buried it because He was fearful of his master. That last one is who I have become. I am the one who is terrified of failing, or more likely, succeeding.

I have refused to make my talent work for him. Instead I have chosen to bemoan my past, claiming it as a burden instead of claiming His victory over it. My burden is actually a platform that allows me to tell the world how blessed I truly am.

Last night I laid here asking myself all those questions. Tonight I have answers.

The little moments are what truly matters the most.

He has a plan to use my pain for His glory.

Life is an adventure that He has laid out for us to take together.

There is an abundant life available all I have to do is ask, seek and knock.
“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened…how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matt 7:7-11

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