I had just left another church service, which I had been late to. I already felt defeated as I sat through one of my favorite worship songs, feeling like my insides were growing harder by the second. I listened to a sermon that probably related to me in more ways then I was willing to hear. And then I got into my car and drove away, talking to a God who I wasn’t sure was even listening to me. I drove talking and screaming, giving voice to the truth of my hardened heart, and my inability to feel connection with those around me. I topped a hill and began to beat on my chest, screaming at the God of the universe that “I am broken!”
Something inside of me is broken. I have given up, lost my desire to push through struggles in life and I am just tired. After 6 months of rest, I have realized there is no amount of sleep or downtime that will fix this in my life. Only He can. But He and I have been here before, I have met Him in this place time and time again. I always find myself applying my truth that I am broken, unfixable. This is who I am, life has made me this way, and there is no way back. After all they say you can’t go backwards. My future terrifies me, and the God that I trusted to bring me here has stopped talking. In His silence I recall that asked me to take the path less traveled, and I did. It led me into an area untamed, with no path forward. For months I have taken my machete to the forest around me, only to run into spiritual wall after spiritual wall. I find myself no closer to happiness, joy or God. Yet in the stillness, I repeat His word to myself “Be still and Know that He is God” to trust Him that “He has a plan for my life, for wholeness and not for evil.” And His promises that He has prepared good works for me to do and I will walk in them. I the silence and the waiting I am spiraling out of control and losing my sanity. In defeat I fall to my knees and spend my days and nights reminding myself that He is a Good Good Father and He will never let me down! It is all I can do, I have nothing left.
Nothing has changed, I still feel dead and broken inside, I feel like He has stopped walking with me. I fear I left him on the side of the path somewhere. He turned and I missed the still small voice in my ear telling me to turn left or right. Out of habit I have turned to my old friends Fear and Anxiety to only feel disgusted with myself, weak and inferior. Shouldn’t I turn to His word? I try but His words ring hollow to me right now. I am lost in the hopelessness and the truth that He does not promise happiness this side of heaven. So who am I to ask? I read passages encouraging me to be brave and courageous and I become angry. I have taken that path before, only to have door after door slammed into my face.
My options are many, but I feel lost in my indecision. I can lean against the walls I have uncovered, go backwards-daydreaming that if I had only stayed it would be different, pick up my machete and move forward putting my hope in my own accomplishments, or I wait on Him to finally tell me what to do. So I wait, surrounded by brambles, thorns, and animals unknown. Attacked day and night by my own fears, insecurities, and hopelessness, and wonder if I can truly put all my hope in Him and trust that He has a plan for my life and he is currently working it out. What if He is telling me to pick up my machete again? How do I overcome my fear and move forward, not knowing if another wall will meet me once I beat my way through. How am I to know I am to beat my way through and not wait for him to clear them. It is all so confusing and I don’t know what to do.
I want to end this leaving you with hope that I will be okay, but today in this moment I don’t know that. The only thing I do know is He is my savior and I when I leave this earth I will see Him face to face. Until then, I will seek His face, pray he holds to his promises, and someday I will find His face again.by