Alice in Wonderland

I had just left another church service, which I had been late to.  I already felt defeated as I sat through one of my favorite worship songs, feeling like my insides were growing harder by the second.  I listened to a sermon that probably related to me in more ways then I was willing to hear.  And then I got into my car and drove away, talking to a God who I wasn’t sure was even listening to me.  I drove talking and screaming,  giving voice to the truth of my hardened heart, and my inability to feel connection with those around me.  I topped a hill and began to beat on my chest, screaming at the God of the universe that “I am broken!”

Something inside of me is broken. I have given up, lost my desire to push through struggles in life and I am just tired.  After 6 months of rest, I have realized there is no amount of sleep or downtime that will fix this in my life.  Only He can.  But He and I have been here before, I have met Him in this place time and time again.  I always find myself applying my truth that I am broken, unfixable.  This is who I am, life has made me this way, and there is no way back.  After all they say you can’t go backwards.  My future terrifies me, and the God that I trusted to bring me here has stopped talking.  In His silence I recall that asked me to take the path less traveled, and I did.   It led me into an area untamed, with no path forward.  For months I have taken my machete to the forest around me, only to run into spiritual wall after spiritual wall.  I find myself no closer to happiness, joy or God.  Yet in the stillness, I repeat His word to myself  “Be still and Know that He is God”  to trust Him that “He has a plan for my life, for wholeness and not for evil.”  And His promises that He has prepared good works for me to do and I will walk in them.  I the silence and the waiting I am spiraling out of control and losing my sanity.  In defeat I fall to my knees and spend my days and nights reminding myself that He is a Good Good Father and He will never let me down!  It is all I can do, I have nothing left.

Nothing has changed, I still feel dead and broken inside, I feel like He has stopped walking with me.   I fear I left him on the side of the path somewhere. He turned and I missed the still small voice in my ear telling me to turn left or right.  Out of habit I have turned to my old friends Fear and Anxiety to only feel disgusted with myself, weak and inferior.  Shouldn’t I turn to His word?  I try but His words ring hollow to me right now.  I am lost in the hopelessness and the truth that He does not promise happiness this side of heaven.  So who am I to ask?  I read passages encouraging me to be brave and courageous and I become angry.  I have taken that path before, only to have door after door slammed into my face.

My options are many, but I feel lost in my indecision.  I can lean against the walls I have uncovered, go backwards-daydreaming that if I had only stayed it would be different, pick up my machete and move forward putting my hope in my own accomplishments, or I wait on Him to finally tell me what to do.  So I wait, surrounded by brambles, thorns, and animals unknown.  Attacked day and night by my own fears, insecurities, and hopelessness, and wonder if I can truly put all my hope in Him and trust that He has a plan for my life and he is currently working it out.  What if He is telling me to pick up my machete again?  How do I overcome my fear and move forward, not knowing if another wall will meet me once I beat my way through.  How am I to know I am to beat my way through and not wait for him to clear them.  It is all so confusing and I don’t know what to do.

I want to end this leaving you with hope that I will be okay, but today in this moment I don’t know that.  The only thing I do know is He is my savior and I when I leave this earth I will see Him face to face.  Until then, I will seek His face, pray he holds to his promises, and someday I will find His face again.

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