Brave is not a word I would use to describe myself.

I hate making decisions or going outside of my comfort zone.  So much so that it can take hours, sometimes days, for me to decide where to get gas.  A major decision can take months, some even take a lifetime.  I even struggle after the decision is made.  Waffling back and forth over whether I made the right decision or not.

Yeah, I’m not brave.  But, people repeatedly call me brave.  Each time it happens I am taken aback.  I respond with a shy smile and a quiet thank you.  What I really want to do is laugh “ha” and say “I’m not brave, I’m desperate”

I’m desperate to stay in the will of God.  Sometimes, my motives are out of adoration and love for Him.  Most times though, it is because I dread getting out of His will.  I remember the 15 years I ran in darkness.  Desperate to escape His gaze and the angry and hateful God that I knew.  I lived in terror of what He would do if He ever got a hold of me.  One day I gave up, let Him catch me, and now I live desperate for His presence.  But I have to choose each day which God I am going to fear.  The all powerful, all knowing, loving God that He is, or the angry judgmental God I used to envision.

You see this viewpoint results in two types of fear.  The first moves my focus onto myself.  It fills me with terror, anxiety and a desperation to claw my way out of my circumstances.  The second is when my focus is on God.  This kind fills me with an unnatural peace and a strength to walk the path He lays before me.  This is the desperation I want (you could say I am desperate for desperation, haha).  This holy fear is based on His word and who He has proven Himself to be.  He is a grace filled God who truly is working my life out for my good.  A holy fear draws me to my knees in awe and adoration; trembling as His grace and love wash over me.  Each day I have to choose which type of fear I want.

Am I desperate to be near Him or desperate to escape His gaze.  What are you desperate for?

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