I want to be real on here. That has always been my goal. This week has been hard though and I am not sure how to put it into words. The depression has swept in like a beast and almost destroyed me. As I work through and find the words for this week, I wan to share a picture with you. One that explains what depression feels like. I wrote this in 2012 and the imagery still rings true.
“I see it roll over the hills. The storm brews on the horizon. I brace myself as the storm engulfs me. The dark murky mists entangle their fingers in my hair, as I cry out for God to deliver me. Silence echoes as the light goes out. In the dark I begin to cry out names of those I love. The clouds do funny things to their voices. I can never seem to find where they are. Through the fog I can hear them pray. They seek God’s face on my behalf, they throw scripture into the mist. In desperation I cling to those words and slowly the light begins to return. I rise in hope that the onslaught is over. But the clouds linger on the horizon.
After some time I feel lighter. I believe the war is over, the beast has fallen.
But he waits, lulling me to sleep with his light gray clouds. Some days they rush in and almost over take me. Other days they seep across the horizon and I am in their midst before I am aware. I have lost my focus, my connection to reality. Vainly I ignore their presence, confident my focus is clear.
Then he grabs me, sinks his talons deep into the fat of my back. I struggle, and realize I have lost the light. I have let him get to close. I try to regain my focus, to find the light. I cease any effort to find my focus, hopelessness and self pity become my nourishment. I have lost my will to survive. My grip on reality slips from my fingers. Anxiety wells in my soul as panic overtakes me. I feel lost, out of control, as if something else is controlling my body.”
Still this doesn’t do justice to the reality of severe depression. Before you get worried, I am working with my doctor to get my medication worked out and have several people watching me like a hawk. Not to mention I have God on my side!
If you know someone with depression give them a hug today, let them know you are still there.by