I am a very emotional person. There I said it, admitting you have a problem is the first step right!
Weeding through the daily barrage can be more than I can handle some days. That is why I love my friend Joann. She is the logic to my emotion. I can rely on her to take a machete to my emotions; quickly clearing the way to the lie at the root them. And she does it with so much joy and fun that I don’t know what I would do without her.
Recently, we traveled to Dallas to attend a close friend’s wedding. Our flight was pretty early, so we were up before the crack of dawn ( 4:30am to be exact)! By the time we crawled into bed that night, around 10:30, to say we were slap happy would have been an understatement. However, through out the day my old friend loneliness had crept back in. And I have learned over the years that it is better to voice these emotions, then keep them bottled up.
Here is how our conversation went:
Me: I am feeling lonely
Jo: Aw, because everyone is coupling up.
Jo: Well lets think of ways that people meet in the movies.
Jo: You could have a cat and take it to the vet, who is handsome and single. Or your mom could be dying and her doctor be the man of your dreams. Or maybe you could go on a ski vacation and meet the brooding handsome son of the ski lodge owners.
Me: What?!? *laughing uncontrollably*
Jo: Wait, you don’t like cats, we don’t want your mom to die, and you hate to ski!
Me: *crying, I am now laughing so hard*
Jo: *crying, and laughing just as hard*
Yes, you are welcome for that view into our friendship. And as absurd as that conversation was, it got me thinking. Do I view my life like this? And the more I have dug into it, the more I realized that I do. Unconsciously, I have been believing that the day I meet the man of my dreams, we fall madly in love within seconds. And then, we will ride off into the sunset in blissful marital happiness.
Ugh, now what do I do with this!
Whenever I discover a lie, I have to counteract it with a truth. The truth is, relationships are hard. I desire a marriage. A real one with intimacy, conflict, joy, and mess. But I don’t want to put the work in. I don’t want to weed through all the jerks online to find that one gem. I want the intimacy without the conflict. The joy without the mess. And my conversation with Joann has shone a bright light into this area of my heart. And I can’t turn it off! (trust me I tried).
Telling myself lies has led me to give my heart away to countless men. Not to men who deserved it, but men who had no interest in treasuring my heart. I want to believe that I am not willing to do this anymore. But truth is I do it everyday. So desperate for love, I fling my heart in the direction of any man who looks my way.
Proverbs 4:23 tells us to”Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” The life of a real relationship flows from the heart, and I am throwing it away on pointless dreams.
So what are my steps to achieve my dream marriage? First I need to stop flicking away pieces of my heart. Second I need to prepare my heart to be wounded again. Real intimacy requires handing my heart over to someone else. That process leads to gut wrenching heartache in the depths of my soul. I have to be willing to trust that they will take care of it.
That is what I am pondering this week. Is the joy and intimacy experienced in marriage worth the heartache that comes with it? What do you think? Tell me below.
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