My First Love

I sat in the conference room across from a good friend.

Loneliness had been stealing my joy for days and he was willing to pray with me.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“ Really lonely lately I guess” I whined

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self-control. If someone is rooted in the Spirit these are evident in their
lives”

The truth behind my loneliness sunk in. Fruit has not leaked from my heart in a long time.

He quoted Rev 2:4 “Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken your first love.” and
the tears piled up in my eyes.

I have forsaken my first love. I have decided He is not enough and I want more. But was He ever my first love to begin with?

Eleven years ago I got on my knees and gave up. I surrendered my life to Him. I was tired, lonely and nothing I did improved my situation. I was not in love with Him or even grateful that He was forgiving my sins.

Through the years there have been moments of untold joy, peace beyond understanding, and provision from Him alone. But the loneliness has remained. A haunting spirit in my heart that is a barrier between Me and Him.

Was there ever a moment where I truly loved Him?

Have I adored Him just for who He is not what He has done.

Can I envision the way He adores me?

“Like and Apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.” Song of Songs 2:3-6

Over and over I have begged God for the Abundant life He promises. It has been within me all along. Abundant life can only be found where my soul dances with His Spirit. It is found in the countless hours soaking in His word, merely because I long to hear His voice. It is found in the song of my heart as praise erupts from my lips. Most importantly it is found in my unashamed adoration for who He is.

Do I wake up and go to sleep with Him on my mind, for He never leaves my thoughts?

Do I talk to Him without ceasing because I value His opinion above all others?

Do I walk in obedience because I long to never leave His side?

No I don’t.

Instead, I have chosen pain and misery over His peace and love. I have chosen food and men over self-control and faithfulness. I have chosen anger over my circumstances instead of kindness for those around me. Worse than all of that, I have refused to love myself. To look at myself through His eyes and see what He sees. Cause in the end how can I love any of His creatures if I can not love the one He loves?

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