I quit

Have you ever given up?

Stopped striving for what you thought God wanted?

I have.

Last year I quit.

I stopped doing everything I loved and enjoyed. My camera has gone months without seeing the light of day. This blog has more cobwebs than words. My muscles ache to be used to run, lift, squat, and strain. And my creative eye went blind. I was done.

For ten years I had thrown myself into God’s process of transformation for my life. Each step I would think, “I’m almost there”. But where is there? That is the question I pondered at the end of last year and the answer surprised me.

Since coming to Christ in 2004; I had moved to two different states, made countless acquaintances, racked up months of counseling, and read through the bible at least two times. I gave up my life to follow His, spent 18 months living in a missional environment and always made sure I was volunteering at church. Where had all of this striving taken me?  To a state that was literally trying to kill me( allergies ugh), a depression so deep I never thought I would find my way out and a job that made me want to pull my hair out in boredom. I was exhausted, and God was telling me that I was missing the point.

So I quit.

And He took over!

He pushed me out of my comfort zone and into a job that stretches me everyday. With no experience for this position I had to rely on God to give me the focus and character I needed to excel. Everyday I am in awe that I work where I work, do what I do.

Then came the new church. The moment I walked into Grace Chapel my whole body screamed home. After the service I found myself volunteering, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. A small group welcomed me into their midst but I had to wait on God to begin to develop deep friendships. And He taught me that to be loved, I must love first.

Finally, He opened my eyes up to who I am. He taught me to see myself as He does, and to focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. And He showed me that His blessings can not be earned. There is nothing I can do to change His heart for me, I already have it all.

Are you striving to earn His love?  Do you need to quit?

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Giving Thanks

“It is easy to be thankful for the good things in life”.

I have no idea whether I heard this or read it, so I can’t give credit. As I scrolled through all the Facebook posts about thankfulness, it got me thinking.  Can I be thankful for the hardships in my life?

Let’s find out.
1) I am thankful for my parents divorce. It destroyed my faith, because it was weak. Since I drifted so far I now have no doubt that God is real, that He is good and He is trustworthy. For that rock I am very grateful.
2) I am thankful for my divorce. It helped me to better understand my mother and why she did what she did. I have been blessed to share this story to help other women see what abuse really is.
3) I am thankful for the day He brought me to my knees in repentance and tore the sinful heart from inside me. The pain and suffering of redemption and forgiveness is nothing in comparison to the pain I caused myself all those years.
4) I am grateful for the heartache of missing friends and family. This means I am capable of love.  For many years I was so numb I felt no emotions except sadness.
5) I am thankful my Oregon family (The Macy’s). In their home God taught me unconditional love and what reliance on Him looked like. it was here I truly learned to live.
6) I am grateful for my family. In-spite of our brokenness, God is bringing us back together in a more healthy version.
7) I am grateful for my years of singleness (yes, this one is hard). In it God has changed my view of relationships and marriage. I have learned that physical attraction really doesn’t matter in the end. The spirit in my mate and how he treats me does.

I have always loved the song Hallelujah, but never really listened to the lyrics before.  If you don’t have time to listen, at least read the lyrics.  At the end it declares that love of God(paraphrasing here) is ” a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”.

So maybe God really doesn’t want our praise for the good things in our life.  But He longs for us to praise Him for the hard times. For truly loving Him is is to see His hand in the hard times and praise Him as your heart breaks in two and the tears stream down your face.

Hallelujah Video

Hallelujah Lyrics


What do you think about what God wants to hear?

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