When God says No

I’ve fought this post all week.  I dislike talking about things I haven’t fully resolved yet.  And I really don’t like living what I’m preaching.  This week I have been living the whole Fear of the Lord thing; it’s been a hard week.

You see, over the past month God has systematically removed any hope I have of meeting someone.  He made it clear that He did not want me on-line trying to find someone.  He has placed me in a job that I am isolated in.  And He even brought a good man into my life.  One who makes me laugh, loves Jesus and has that gentle and quiet spirit I long for in a mate.

On Sunday, I took a walk and begged God to let this man be my mate.  I pleaded and I bargained; “I will loose the weight, put on more make-up, I will do anything to not be alone.”   “No” thundered from the heavens.  When I reached the house, I fell in a puddle of tears and cried for what felt like eternity.  This resounding NO rattled my soul and shattered my heart.

As the no resonated in my soul, the anger quickly welled.  The tears fell until there were none left to fall.  Each sob rattled my body, my heart ached, and my soul dried up.   I screamed at him “you made me this way!  You have given me this desire for a mate to love and encourage.”  The only thing I have heard since is “Fear the Lord”.

I know He answered this way for a reason.  I crossed a line and He wants me to let it go.   My singleness is a constant battle between God and myself.  The last time this happened, I was able to pick myself up and stop fighting.  But this time it felt like His NO sucked out all hope I had, and replaced it with nothing.

As I pushed, bit and struggled to get away, He just held on tighter.  His grace filled arms wrapped around me.  And once again He held my heart as it shattered.  Exhausted, I collapsed into His love.  As I laid my head on His shoulders, He whispered “Fear me”.  I slumped in defeat.

I am still angry.  I don’t understand why this is His plan.  I do know two things though.  He is the air I breathe and I love Him more than life itself.  If you wondered what it looked like to Fear the Lord, here you go.  I don’t have to feel it, and I don’t have to like it.  But I do have to choose to Love Him in-spite of my broken heart.

As I said last time (Here) Fear of the Lord is a choice.  The choice of His will, over my own.  I don’t like His will right now, but I will always choose Him over me.

What does fear of the Lord look like in your life?

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